All I Need To Know...I Learned From Adult Jokes

[mood| silly]

I got this new book today by Andy Riley called Great Lies To Tell Small Kids. It's so funny. Here's some examples:
- Rain is Jesus's wee-wee.
- Wine makes Mommy clever.
- When you leave the room, cooked spaghetti tries to wriggle back home to Italy.
- Milk feels pain.
- Put a slice of ham in the DVD player. It will play a short film about pigs. A slice of cheese will play a short film about cows.
- Lions carry barcode scanners. They run them over zebras to check how much they cost before they eat them.
- That word Dad uses sometimes. It means "please". Use it in school and at the shops.
- Beware of guitars. A small, hairy primate called a "Warris" lives inside every one. They live on a diet of human fingers.
- If you grab the edge of your chair and pull as hard as you can, you'll lift yourself into the air.
- Goldfish can send text messages. Drop your mother's phone in the bowl and you'll see.
- If you utter the trigger word "badminton" to your grandma, her original programming will activate and she will kill all humans.
- If you spin around really fast and then stop, your face will skid round to the back of your head.

This made me think of a joke my senior English teacher gave us. Remember those Little Golden Books from when we were little? Well, these are...

Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words To Know And Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers And Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide To Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George And The High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets A Casket
14. The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book Of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have The Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking And Crying To Get Your Way
19. You Were An Accident
20. Boogers, The Other White meat
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, And Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork And Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. Bi-Curious George
30. The Little Sissy Who Snitched